Reanimation

So I thought I would reanimate this poor dead blog that I have long neglected. I am currently working on my Masters of Education and am doing my student teaching. I have had a rough few years and am finally feeling good again. I feel new, happier and more stable. My relationship with my husband has expanded and grown into a very healthy happy fulfilling relationship. It has taken 16 years of work but for the first time in my life I can truly say that I am happy from my head to my toes. I know that for some all this happy is sickening and to them I say...try it, it feels really good, and is totally worth all the poopoohing that people do. I have not felt this good since I was a little girl, six years old, before anything bad ever happened, before I got sick, cuddled on my Daddy's lap. Part of me is afraid that it is just a mood swing but it has been going on for way too long for it to be that simple.

Anyway, the boys are doing good, S is in 8th grade and R is in 5th. S is now taller than me by 1/2 an inch and has taken up the trumpet which he can really PLAY!! He is able to listen to a song and figure out the tune!! I am so proud of him. R is goofy as ever, my little snuggleupagus.

Hubby has a new job which isn't much but it is paying the bills. He also quit smoking again but I think it is going to stick this time mostly because we are in it together and I am fully supporting him rather than before I got better when I just wanted him to stop being grumpy and so told him to get a pack of smokes so I did not kill him...lol.

I've got great friends and I am pretty sure that my student teaching is going along swimmingly. I just got observed in my toughest class today and my supervisor only had good things to say about me. My students like me. The only thing I don't like about teaching so far is grading but that is handleable as I only have to do it every so often.

Wow!! Nothing to complain about...something must be wrong!!!

I will try to blog more often, which computes to more than once a year but I think I can handle it.

=)

Putting off the inevitable

Well here I am, procrastinating...yup, thats me...just don't wanna do my homework so I thought I would blog. Not a lot going on really, same ol same ol.

The boys are doing good, they have started school, (well a month ago). R is doing really well with his new medication, he is now on Abilify and it is working wonders for his ability to sit through a class and not have a tantrum or have difficulty starting his day. S is loving Jr. High. I can't believe I have a Jr. High schooler.

I turned 34 recently, yay me :). I truly at one point in my life thought I would die at 25 so this is like bonus time really...lol. I am doing better medication wise as well, I am on three different meds to manage my schizo-affective disorder and it seems to be working well. A day here and there where there are some breakthrough symptoms, doc is working on it to get it so I don't have any breakthrough days...that would be blissful. I am still having the occasional issue, but that is getting better too. Truth be told, now that I think about it, I haven't had a bad day in about two weeks, which is off the charts for me. I know that getting help for depression or what ever is troubling you is difficult and hard to fathom but it is totally worth it to get out of the depths that have consumed you. It feels like you are trudging through super thick water when you are in the shit. It had been months since I had felt airy and light hearted enough to truly laugh at something when I was deeply depressed. It seemed like no one was doing anything right by me, like I was just being wronged in so many ways. I was "sick" quite often, mostly because I just could not deal with what was going on around me. I was very ill and my work situation was not helping in the slightest. Neither was my home life for that matter, but once I got help it all did not seem so bad. The shitty stuff is/was still happening in both major areas of my life but it is HANDLEABLE. I did not want to hide from it or get tired when I thought about it...I just deal with it now....it gets BETTER with help. .

My great friend Shel was the one who gave me strength to get help...seeing her go from where she was to where she is today was enough of a miracle to me to say that I was unusual in how unhappy I was...I sought help and got it...and I feel better now, much better...much, much, much better...lol.

Anyway...I just had to put that out there for my hypothetical reader who might be in disarray (sp?), what can I say, it was on my mind today for myself and how much I had needed to hear that from someone, anyone.

Other than that work is shitty, lol, no changes there. Although I spent today (Sunday) there working and it was really pleasant to just do my job and not worry about office politics or the boss...I really appreciated that time to just do my thing :).

Okay, have successfully put homework off long enough that I don't have to do it...tonight anyway...yay! You all take care out there, take care of each other and yourselves.

C

Revelation

I was laying in bed trying to take a nap but the kids were making too much noise and there was too much light. I thought maybe I could take my husbands wooby and place it over my eyes like he does to block out at least the light and maybe even some of the noise. Within moments of placing the wooby over my eyes I had a flashback to my mother standing in front of the mirror at our old house in Gridley, the non-haunted one. She was leaning in, holding up her lip and wiggling her teeth. I have had this flash back many times, at least twice a week for years now. This time instead of brushing it off as I normally do, I followed it. I saw how messed up her face was, it was bloody, she had a black eye with blood in it. I remembered the night it happened and how her face got that way. Her boyfriend, Gator, had beaten her to a pulp right in front of me, my brother and Gator’s son. I had gotten scared and gone to call 911, but the gravel in the drive had hurt my feet too much. Gator’s son Butch had chased me down and stopped me. I had called to him though when he passed me in the dark. I felt that that was a betrayal of my mom.
Back to the flashback, for the first time my vision of that flashback panned back to reveal a little girl standing next to the doorway peeking around the corner at her mom. Her mom said nothing comforting, she said, “What are you looking at?” That is all I remember visually. I do remember being very afraid, more fear than I had ever known, even more than when she and Jerry had fought. This was before Jerry was in the orchard next door with his friends looking for the house. But, that little girl was more afraid than any little girl should be, I was only 8 or 9. I had never realized that I was that little girl, had never acknowledged it…now for the first time not only was I acknowledging it…I was embracing it. That little girl was me, that afraid, sad, uncomforted little girl was me. I suddenly started crying…for the little girl without a mother, for the loss of my childhood, for the fact that no one stepped in, for the fact that my father was fighting but destined to fail. I cried in sadness, fear, hatred and acceptance all the same time. I cried a lot, but I also walked away with a vow or two. I vow that in my power as a teacher I will never let a child go without comfort, I will never allow abuse or neglect to go unchecked. I vow that I will never be my mother, a selfish horrible bitch who put the bottle and her own desires above the needs of her children. She stopped being my mother when I was six, I will finally stop chasing her approval and her love. She hasn’t been my mother for 27 years, why do I keep hoping that she will suddenly become motherly? Well, I have stopped doing that too…I am done with her. I don’t feel sorry for her except as one would feel sorry for someone else’s mother who has dug a trench around her.

171

Last weekend ranked up in the top five of all time weekends for me. It was really great, I got to go camping, fishing, hung with my dad and brother, had a fish fry, I climbed a mountain with my boys and my brother, I came home and snuggled with my hubby, saw fireworks with the boys, hung out with my friends at a bbq. I really had a great weekend. The oddest thing though, when we got in my brother's truck to go find the trailhead to climb the mountain he had been listening to my favorite singer of all time, John Denver...really sealed the deal on the good weekend to know my brother appreciates him as much as I do.

That is not to say there were not bad points, I just did not focus on them. I think alot has to do with my new meds...the doc just got me on three new ones and we got rid of the old ones and the last two and a half weeks have been great...I think the old ones were not working...wierd how you do not realize that until you take stock on how your days have been. All the trouble at work, the stress from surgery, stress at home and other places had taken a toll on me for sure, add to it the meds not working and you have one pretty stressed depressed person. It is not that I now don't care what is going on around me, I just seem to have a more positive take on things. And the bad stuff is literally rolling off like water off a ducks back...it just doesn't bring me down like it used to, I don't focus and obsess on it...I deal with it and move on.

Anyway, enough about how wonderful things are for me, the boys are doing great...they are having fun on their vacations what with the camping and going places and fishing. S is now 5'4" and only has 4 inches till he is my height...damn he is tall...he is only 11 too!! R is being his goofy self. I love those boys.

Hubby is still working on going active...I hate being in limbo though...grrr.

Anyway, that is me for today...

So it's been a while

Well, things have been alright...Work has been good and the boys are fine.

My new doc changed my meds...the old ones were NOT working. So far so good, I can't complain, no bad days but it has only been since Monday. Actually that is pretty good...almost a whole week with no bad days....huh, go figure.

Anyway, got to meet up with one of my old grade school friends this weekend...it was really interesting...she has been through a lot, lots of rough stuff went on for her and it is not looking better right now, but she seems fairly positive and I hope things work out for her.

Hubby signing up for active is on hold right now, his recruiter (my brother) is on vacation right now and so we are waiting for him to be back...sigh...wait, hurry up, wait, hurry up...army life.

Took the boys camping this last weekend and they had a blast, we were skipping rocks and fishing and eating s'mores...it was a really good time.

We are going again next weekend for longer this time, my plan is to hike to the top of a nearby mountain and have a beer. We are also going to be going to the coast here real soon, like the 21st of July. I am really excited about that trip...really excited. Just have to beg for the time off from work...hope for me will ya.

Anyway, that is what is going on....good stuff all around for the most part...did not mention the not so gut...don't want to.

I have some homework to do right now so I will be getting on that

C

WOO I feel good!

Hubby and I went on a walk/run today and we went 4.1 miles....I was a baby and whined a lot, he was so patient and encouraging. I did it though, everytime he said we should run, I ran and every time we crossed a road we sprinted...my legs feel like jelly right now but the sense of accomplishment is really nice.

Gratitude

Not sure what to talk about, just wanted to let people know I am still alive. I have of late been contacted by several friends from a long time ago. I have talked with them about the different things going on in their lives and have come to a conclusion. I am incredibly grateful for the fortune that has come my way. Some of my old friends have suffered job loss, home loss and even multiple deaths in their families. I have suffered very little in my adult life, my parents are still alive, my kids are healthy and I have a roof over my head. My husband loves me and we have a great relationship. I have a good job with excellent health benefits and have the opportunity to continue my education. I am so incredibly grateful for what I have in my life today...