Happy Birthday R!!

Today is the little one's B-day....he is turning 5!!

Frustration

Maybe it is just me, but I absolutely hate it when I am working and other people are sitting playing video games or reading or just plain not helping. These same people pass by the work that I am doing such as the dishes or cleaning the house and ignore the mess, they also leave GIGANTIC messes in their wake. For instance, today when I went into the washer I had to move FUCKING pie tins and whip cream bowls to get into it!!! WTF, I hate to be a nag or even ask people to clean up AFTER THEMSELVES but Christ, it is like I am living with 5 kids instead of 2!!

Anyway, school has started again and the onslaught, no avalanche of the last two weeks of semester's homework has begun...UGH. Little one is working on a cold and we are trying to keep him from getting sick like he usually gets, cause that means doctors and what not...

Oh, speaking of doctors, Just got notified that hubby and I qualify for medical insurance that only covers single or married couples with out kids...because of this and the lack of deprivation for the kids they have medi-cal with a $1500 co-pay per month...wonderful isn't it!! I now have to apply for Healthy families and hope that they will go back three months to the beginning of September and pay for the appointments that the little one has had to go on for the therapy and what not. I don't think it will be too difficult to do this, but for crying out loud they could have notified me sooner, because I now have till the end of today to apply!!

Lol, oh well, it happens you know!! Have to go call healthy families now!!

C

Evan's Questions: Chrissy in the Crossfire

1. Given our recent discussion about your having more kids, have you considered surrogacy?

I had at one point considered surrogacy, but I know that my attachment would run too deeply to a child growing inside me to be able to let it go after the birth. It is the same with foster children I guess, I could not send them off to an unknown fate...it would completely break me.

2. What sort of repercussions, if any, do you feel the way your mother treats/relates to you has on the boys?

I think that my mother has affected all parts of my life, including both the way I parent and the relationship I have with my boys.

As far as repercussions...Do they notice that their grandmother has been out of the picture and that there is tension between us? Yes, they absolutely do, they question why they have not seen her and why we dont go up to see her. I think that the worst thing about it is that they dont understand how this kind of tension can come up between a mom and her kid. I don't think they have gone so far as to wonder if that will happen between them and I.

Other repercussions...Has my relationship with them been affected? Yes, I have become more conscious of the fact that I am the grownup, that I have to be there for them and that it is my responsibility to be their rock...and than never in a time when they are in need should I expect more from them than they are willing or able to give. I have realized that all too often I have thought of my mom as the child, the one who needs to be handled and that is entirely too much to ask of ones children.

3. What is it about your area of study that just does it for you so much that you love it so (and explain what your field of study is for all those poor souls here who don't know already)?

My area of study is microbiology. I study the bugs that make us sick and help us digest the food we eat etc. Whenever the doctor takes a throat swab or blood tests I will be the person testing it to find out what is going on. I love the bugs because they don't talk back, they are mostly stable and I absolutely love the idea of solving the puzzle as to what is making this person ill or have the infection. I also like the idea that someday with a little more schooling, I can be involved in research that cures cancer or diabetes or other diseases...

4. What about your current living situation is more trying: the decrease in privacy you once enjoyed or the loss of you and C. being 100% in charge of the household (or something else entirely)?

The decrease in privacy is not so bad, I have had less before (army) and was okay. The loss of being the one in charge is a bit more aggravating, especially since FIL is much more stubborn than I had expected and has some of the strangest concerns. One of the more recent is that he is convinced that someone is going to steal the mail from our box( he gets his mail at a P.O. Box for this reason)...so he checks it before I get home, and usually forgets to tell me that he has for a day or so and the mail piles up. He also has a tendency to make observations about our financial situation and other issues that, as rude as it may sound, are none of his business. Lastly I have had to remember to bring whatever mail I have opened into my bedroom because he will go through it...all in all it is not too bad, because as long as I don't leave the mail on the counter, as is my habit, he doesn't go through it and cannot comment on the financial information he finds.

5. What do you think is your greatest strength as a parent?

Now this one is a tough one...I have issues with being the perfect mother, I don't want the boys to go through the type of childhood that I and so many people I know have had, so I feel absolutely horrible any time I think I may have screwed up. I do everything in my power to make sure the boys know they are loved and supported, I try as hard as I can to have enough patience to not rip any heads off when they are acting up. And even though this very hard work and gives me grey hair, this is what I think is my greatest strength. Don't get me wrong I am not trying to be a Stepford wife...far from it...but knowing what a childhood is NOT supposed to be and because I love them so much...doing what I can to be the parent that a child deserves is probably my strength.

How it went

Well, It actually went well. The visit with my mom I mean. We visited on Friday to make sure that we were okay and then today I brought the kids over to her hotel to visit her.

Friday:

Got there and we said hello and talked small talk, never really talking about the things that were between us. Her husband showed up and I realized then that she and I were not the only ones hurting. Her husband, (we will call him J) is just about the sweetest guy in the world. I really missed him and he made sure to go out of his way to invite my hubby on sunday. We all discussed the things people discuss when they have not seen eachother in a while and that was pretty much the visit.

Sunday:

Brought the kids over at about 9:45 and visited until about 11:30 or so. We talked about little stuff and the occasionally bounced off the things that we have been fighting over, mostly the things I had done wrong or that had been perceived as wrong. One of her major complaints has been that 3 years ago, the last time she visited my house I had not made her feel very welcome. I finally found out that what she meant by this is that we had some friends visiting and none of them had offered to give up their seat for her, also I had not offered her a drink or anything to eat. I have already explained to her that my friends and I had already known that she and I were not going to be at the house for long and were leaving right away...hence the no seat offering. Secondly the drink (GOD, this is so petty), I explained today that most people who visit my home end up rather parched before I think to offer drinks. Matter of fact they usually have to ask...I am not one to think of those things...so sue me (lol). I explained that I had not intended to make her feel unwelcome I just was ill mannered... That was about it, but it was a start. The boys had fun playing in the hotel room closet with a flash light...I think she really got to see them at their wierdest today...lol.

So that was the visits...uneventful but somewhat productive. I have invited her to come to my new house when she comes up this Christmas...She (and by she I mean J) has accepted, so hopefully things dont "change" between now and then.

I just want her to see that I really am happy with my hubby and she has nothing to worry about, we are doing better than we have ever been.

Well that is it...

C

Visit with Mother

So, today, Friday, after Thanksgiving I am going to visit my mother. I called her yesterday and we talked about some things that are hard to say in letters. She is staying here in town at a hotel (visiting other family) and I asked if she wanted to get together. Today after my father picks up my kids for a visit with him I am going to see her.

I am nervous, she wasn't exactly nice on the phone. Her insinuations were vague and seemingly light hearted but they were there. Also, apparently she has lost somewhere in the vicinity of 75 lbs (which she blamed on me and "the situation"), I have not seen her in about 2 years and I am a bit nervous. I can only imagine her as a very skinny woman...drawn and sad.

I know that I have the strength to face her, I just don't know how long it will take to hash things out, IF that happens at all.

Wish me luck

C

Happy turkey day to all and to all a good turkey!

Ants

Ants, Aunts...spell it how ya like, I have officially become one again...my step-sister gave birth to the sixth boy in the family (grandchildren) last night. So far no girls and no one else wants to try so looks like it is a boy family. Took her about 4 hours and he weighs in the ballpark of about 8 1/2 lbs. He has four names including the last name, from what I understand he is healthy and happy!

Congrats Sis

C

Letter

Just got a letter from my mother. It was very sad. She seems to still be convinced that I do not care or want her presence in my life. In her letter were many, many little cuts. I am not sure if I can convey how her words feel. Her way of speaking is apparent in her letters, her inflections, tone and disdain (sp?) is laced throughout. When she appologizes for the short notice on a visit for Thanksgiving, she says she knows she should have notified me 6 months ago. That one was sarcasm. She was commenting on the fact that last Christmas she gave me two days notice (not unlike this time) that she was coming down and would be in Corning but would go no further or closer to me, I had to make my way the rest of the way. Unfortunately, that Christmas we were so short on cash I could not afford the gas to make it to Corning and she became upset. I said that I could not make such a change in plans on such short notice and that made her feel hurt too. I also mentioned, probably mistakenly, that I had a choice between visiting her and visiting my father. I chose my dad because he has been an active participant in the boys life, while she just made excuses.

Anyway she made many insinuations about my loyalty and my not needing her because I have so many other family members near by. I wrote a letter back, yes ladies and gentlemen, right away, while the feelings were still fresh. I did not accuse, point fingers, or make insinuations, I took the blame for the shit that was on my side of the street. I told her that I missed her and her friendship. I ignored completely her insinuations. I hope it works...even though I know better.

C

Republicans

Was just dropping off my son at school and heard that last night the Republicans got a bill through that will cut $17 billion in spending. Normally politics doesn't affect me, but this just got me going! The spending axe falls on to the social welfare programs, like foster care, adoption assistance, student loans, food stamps and the like. They blamed the need for such cuts in these types of programs on Hurricane Katrina rebuild. LIARS!! There are two reasons why I say such a thing...

1. If we were not fighting a war that we were led to under false pretenses by a REPUBLICAN administration the need to replace the Hurricane Katrina rebuild would not scrape our reserves.

2. The very same Republicans are attempting to pass another bill that cuts taxes by about $70 billion (I forgot the exact number). These tax cuts focus primarily on the wealthy.

Now, being a person of sound mind and body, knowing that there is NOT a filthy rich future for me, I say WTF!! Cutting programs for kids, college students and the poor is not the way to go to get money for the war mongering president!! Worse yet, giving tax credits to the wealthy is not a good move right after such cuts!

If I had ever claimed to be a Republican (which I have not) I would hang my head in shame as such a hideous display of callous classmanship!

I know now that even though I may have voted republican (and yes I dropped the uppercase on purpose) in the past because of an individuals politics, I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do it again...

republicans suck!

C

So quick update on my goings on.

Boyos are doing good, they are about to get out of school for the winter break (they are in year round) and are pretty excited about that. Little one is still doing good, which is honestly amazing me...I am afraid to make the statement: "maybe all the screaming and violent behavior is over" but it seems to be the case!! WooHoo! He loves school, his teacher and even his classmates. I am quite sure that he still has some troubles but it is mild compared to the craziness of before. His therapist is thinking of putting him on ADHD meds, and I am thinking that as much as I think those drugs can be used as a cop-out for parents who do not discipline their kids, this may be necessary for him...

Bigger one is doing really well in school, he impressed our local librarian with his mad reading skills. He is currently working on the last of the Lemony Snickets series and wants very badly to read the Harry Potter for this movie coming out on Friday (The Goblet of Fire). His girlfriend is having a birthday party on Saturday and he is all excited about it.

I am still trying to decide if I want to take a hematology class next semester in addition to the already over full load I will be taking. I am leaning towards not taking the class, simply because that will put me in over my head, being in 28 hours of class would probably be a bit much.

Hubby is good, working evenings still. I miss him, I like hanging out with him after a long day, but we have to make some money some how.

Starting to think this blog is a bit too pink.

And last but not least...I send happy and good thoughts to shel!!

Batteries, alternators and the like

My poor, misused and abused car has coughed again...I am relieved, however, that it was not it's last cough. It has been slow to start and even needed a jump for the last few weeks, the other day the darn thing nearly died sitting at a stoplight and this morning it would not stay running with out the charger attached. This to me meant my worst fears had been realized, that the darn thing had given up life before I graduated, but hurrah, it still lives. I took it to Sears, where for a "fraction" of the cost because of the old warranty on the battery they replaced it and tested the alternator to make sure it was okay. The reason why it was acting like an alternator problem was because the cables and battery were so bad that it was sucking more power than the alternator could provide and therefore the nearly dying and what not. So, anyway, they replaced the battery, cables and various attachments for their "fraction" of the cost which turned out to be $84 for a $59 battery...not sure on the math there but hey, it runs and the best part...the alternator is fine!!! Yay...

On the VA/Army front...they are still dickering with my pay, but I finally got the check today, only 8 days late this month instead of 16, if we keep working like this I will be getting it nearly on time in about 4 months!!

On the other VA/Army front...health, forgot to work on it...hehe, seems my anger and outrage disipates quickly. I will be calling my advisor guy tomorrow and seeing what he can do for me about the health issues.

Good news on the school front too, talked to one of my instructors about my hands, he is going to let me take my mid term on a computer so that my hands don't hurt so bad (sweet).

Little one read three pages in a reader tonight...all by himself...was fantastic...he is doing so good. Older one is being eyeballed for ADD, would not believe it if I had not noticed problems at home associated with it, he takes 45-90 minutes to finish a 15 minute homework assignment. Lately he has been better, I have been watching his diet and making sure he is getting enough iron, (lol, studies show that iron and attention deficit are linked (sound like a freak dont i)) and seems to help...I hope...

Am all set for next semester...18 units...OMFG that is going to suck...but I will graduate...yay...finally, I will be done and get out into the working world were I dont have homework...usually.

Well, I should go and get some of the afore mentioned homework done!!

C

Blog spam

Got my second blog spam today, you know it really takes the steam out of your sails to go in and see someone commented on your heartfelt-soul-pouring-out blog and find that they are advertising something and not commenting on you. Lol...so for future stuff, have to have a confirmation word thingy...sorry for the inconvenience for the multitudes that want to comment... :)

Not totally unexpected

Went to the doctor today about my feet/hands/neck and what not. I walked out so frustrated that I was almost crying, finally did once I got to my car. I am so sick of hearing that I am too young to have as much pain as I say I am, that the diseases that my symptoms are pointing to are for people who are older than I am. I FREAKING already know this!! Does not change one iota how much it hurts though!!!

To sum things up:

1. Doc won't sign a handicapped placard application because he says that he doesnt think that I am handicapped (why the fuck am I getting 30% disability then!) and that the DMV probably wont approve placards anyway. He won't listen to the fact that I got out of the army for massive feet problems and now have to walk a mile and a half to class each day. Also, wont listen to the fact that it can take me up to 10 minutes to walk "normally" in the morning: normally is defined as not in excruciating pain.

2. Doc also says that he cant get me an earlier appointment for the Podiatrist because my problem is ongoing and not acute...WTF...maybe I should stab myself in the foot to get some service!!! By the way, the earliest appointment is 4 months away!! In the mean time I am supposed to hobble a mile and a half one way to school, take some pretty freaking strong drugs to just take the edge off the pain, and cross my fingers and hope that things arent going to get worse.

3. Doc also says that he wont even look at the problem with my hands until I get an x-ray. Cant get an x-ray until I go to the podiatrist...so looking at 5 months until my hands even get considered!!! And of course, you guessed it ladies and gentlemen, I have to deal with the pain, spasms, jolts and cramps in my hand(s) until then. It has gotten to the point that I cannot write well enough to take notes in class...HAHA...well, atleast if I fail I can blame them!!

So in a nutshell, I hate the army...(VA really but who cares). Once again, fucking budget cuts and politicians pay raises are taking a piece of the veterans benefits. You know, I would like for one of the senators to try to get a health exam or a problem taken care of in the veterans system...they would see then that while they are sitting in their cush jobs and earning REAL healthcare for life, the soldiers they are sending to war are getting shit after they are out....WE RISKED OUR LIVES!!! They voted on bullshit legislation and their own payraises and get more thanks from this country than us. We get a $100,000 death benefit if we DIE and they get paid that per year!!! What the hell is wrong with this picture!!! Take a freaking pay cut and give us what you freaking promised us when we signed up!!

C

New Blog

Well, this is the first time I am blogging here. Wonder if I should move my other posts over, this one seems better.

We all are doing really well, kids had a blast at halloween, got lots of candy and SIL came over on sunday and we had a little party for them.

School is still rough, working my butt off and getting more than a little burned out. Still have one semester to go, looks like I will be taking 18 units just to be done...but then that will be it...for a while. Applying to intern at Public Health and UC Davis. Cross your fingers.

That is it for now...

C